This is Me..

crimson_wren @ 2006-11-13T23:12:00

2006-11-13T23:12:38Z

Everyone has a someone that will cause them pain. Some will have more then others. That person can give you mental pain, spiritual pain, physical pain. And some of us will have more then one person who will be more then willing to cut you down. Kill as much of you as they possibly can. Anything that they can get too they will take. They will take your innocence, your childhood, your thoughts, everything that makes you you. Hopefully you can rebuild. Re-grow what they destroyed.
Men in my life have this amazing ablity to screw me over in more ways then one. I try so hard to not let it dictate how I live my life. But it does.  They haunt me. Maybe I'm weak and just let it get to me. Maybe I deserved what happened

A story to tell but know that it is not a happy fairy tale but rather a story about a broken life...

         To them it didn't matter. To them this child did deserve it. She was a bad child. Never did right, never was good enough, nothing but a failure. The devil was better at it then anyone else in letting the child know this. Within mere seconds he could make her feel as though she was not fit to be in public. She was worthless. Unfit to breath the same air as him. But you see she was worth something to him. He controlled her father. He controlled their family. He controlled his business. He was a tyrant and everyone feared him. If the devil didn't like you, NO one in the family would like you. If you were someone he did like everyone hated you as well cause that meant you would get more from him. You were his favorite. Her father was the Heir, the Prince in training. But every story has a beginning.... this is the beginning of this story.... Her father thought that in his father's eyes he could do no wrong and he did the devil's every bidding. Her father knew of the devil's sickness. He knew the devil's weakness, what he could not resist.

        In an attempt to secure his place in line to the throne of the family, he made an offering. He gave a gift. Something that he owned that he knew the devil would beg for.  The gift he gave the devil couldn't be boxed up and mailed to him.  No this gift had to be delievered to the devil in person. Her father wanted to watch the devil enjoy his offering. Therefore her Father travelled into the den of the devil and offered his gift.... although the gift couldn't be boxed up it was wrapped in a beautiful plaid wrapping, tied with ribbons and bows.   An this gift stood before the devil.  The gift watched the devil's eyes shine and sparkle with a intent the gift did not know. Saw a cold and harsh grin twist and mock the devil's face. Her Father took his walking cane and struck the gift from behind.   The gift fell forward. crashing to the floor. And the devil stood up and struck the prince in training, for he had given the gift to the devil and in the devil's presence no one would touch his gift (away from his presence that is another story). And the devil turned to the gift and picked it up and returned to his throne holding his gift tenderly.   For the devil often said that, it was at that specific moment that he fell in love with his beautiful blue-eyed, blond cherub. And the child looked up at the devil and did not know why she feared him. All she knew was something happened at that moment in time and nothing would be the same ever again.

         At first the time spent with the devil was alright. The child merely had to look at something for more the a few seconds and it was her's. Anything the child touched became hers. Nothing was denied her, as the devil did love his cherub. Although her father would take her away from the devil for periods of time to be with her mother, he would always bring her back to the devil. The child still didn't really like the devil but was always good and well behaved for him. And then the child learned of why she should fear the devil. Why she would continue to fear him for the rest of her life....

         The devil called for the entire family to come to celebrate his cherub's birthday. As the devil planned for there to be a party held in his cherub's honor. Everyone came far and wide to be part of the celebrations (as remember if the devil calls you must answer). On the eve of the child's birthday there was a great feast held and drinks flowed through the room. Because the devil wanted the best for his cherub he sent her off to bed early as he knew she needed her sleep... Off the child went, she brushed her long blond hair and put on her soft and warm nightgown, and knelt before her bed and said her prayers....

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

         The child then climbed into bed and shut her eyes as she knew that tomorrow she would be one year older and such fun was planned for her.   After everyone had gone to bed and the devil's lair grew silent. Minutes past and then something happened.... the shadows moved and in moving a sound was made. The child sat up quickly in her bed and looked for the source of the noise she had heard.   And then the shadows from under her door grew, creeping into her room. the door opened and the devil slipped inside.   The devil did not speak. He moved as one with the shadow, not part of the darkness and not part of the light. The child's eyes grew wide and she knew that something would happen. Something that the shadows brought. The devil sat down beside the child and smiled the distored smile that the child feared. Raising his hand, the devil brushed aside the hair that had fallen across the child's face hiding her blue eyes from him. The girl trembled in fear, and without a word made her lay down...

For what could have been minutes or hours even the child stared out her window watching the snow fall against the window pane. As the snowflakes melted and ran a race down the glass, the blue-eyed girl cried silent tears. She had cried out once and the devil had hit the child to keep her silent. She watched the snow, she wished she could be outside in the snow as it could cover and hide everything.   After the devil was done, he stood up and kissed the child's forehead and whispered how much he loved his sweet cherub and how this was their secret as no one would understand. The child watched the devil slip back amongst the shadow and slip out of the room. She sat there still crying, until exhaustion claimed her broken body.

As the sunlight brushed the room in new light chasing out the shadows, it found the child still crying even though she slept a troubled sleep. Feeling the sunlight warm her face the child awoke and she felt the shadows beneath her skin. Jumping up she race across the room to remove the shadows that stirred in her stomach. The girl stayed in the bathroom trying to get them out for a long time. Even after her mother came in to wake the child only to find her sick. she did not leave the bathroom. The shadows were poisoning her and she knew the only way to stop the poison was to let it out of her. Everyone continued with the planned celebrations without the child as she was not missed....

The little girl who had looked foreward to her birthday. Spent that day curled up in a little ball on the bathroom floor, alone, and crying silent tears. Wishing that the devil did not love his blue-eyed cherub.....

........I learned that day that not all birthday wishes will come true.....

crimson_wren @ 2006-11-12T02:24:00

2006-11-12T02:24:14Z

Once again Randomness has proved today's posting....

Thoughts come to mind even when you don't intend for them to do so. They are just there. You can be standing infront of a room of people having everyone look at you. Waiting for you to just say something. And you have this flashback. Now this flashback can be related or completely unrelated to what ever it is your doing. But nevertheless, you have one. Now these flashbacks you have can be quicker then a flash of lightning or they can take a little while to play out. You just stand there and as the movie is playing over in your mind you are feeling more and more sick to your stomach but you know that you will just have to bare it as you need to finish saying what you are suppose to be saying. However today's memory was prompted by the Date of it being Rememberance Day (kind of ironic, if you ask me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's memory:

When I was little my stepfather(SF) believed that on Novemeber 11th you were to be on your best behaviour as a sign of respect for the fallen soliders. You were not to be seen or heard at all. We would go to the service held in their honor in the center of town and observe the silence. One year I was sick, really sick, I could barely stand up but SF insisted that the whole family go. And truly if SF said do this everyone did it. But that year I tried so hard to be quiet, to not be heard. And I was a good child, I made myself not cough, not sniffle. Nothing. About 20 seconds into the two minutes of silence I coughed. Now it wasn't even a loud cough but rathered a muffled cough. And then I felt SF hand on my shoulder. It weighted down on my mind as I knew I had been bad. I was a bad child. He didn't say anything to me. He didn't look down at me. He just squeezed my shoulder. It hurt as his grip grew stronger and stronger but I knew better then to cry out. My mask was in place I didn't let anyone see that I was wanting to scream from the pain of his grip. After the service had finished SF sent the rest of the family home in one car as he said he wanted to show me something. He wanted to show me the history of our culture. Using his hand he directed me down a path that lead up to the museum. As we walked down the alises seeing the exhibits portraying the soliders and their acts of courage. SF kept talking about how everyone needs to learn how to find their inner strenght. Their inner solider. Because if we are like those fallen soliders we will have made an attempt at a good life as they never cried for what they had lost. They never backed down from what had to be done...

I remember him looking down at me with this smile that sent shivers down my spine and asking me if I understood. I nodded. I had no clue what he was talking about but what I did know was that I wanted to get away from that smile, and I was willing to agree to anything to do so. We went back to the car and he started driving. Not towards home but rather away from it. Now I know where we went as I often drive myself there even now. He took me Bridal Falls. Together we walked up to the waterfall and SF sat down and once again started talking about the fallen ones. What they went through, how they lived, and how much he respected them and what they represented. While we sat up there it started to rain, first lightly and then with more force. SF stood and looked down at me and that smile came back. The smile I learned to fear, and learned to hate. And he told me I was to sit there until I understood what a bad child I had been for disrespecting the fallen ones. And then only then when I understood could I move. He leaned down and kissed me and walked away with his coat tail waving to me. He got smaller and smaller as he went down the path...

I sat watching that waterfall in the rain for I don't know how long. It drew me in and I found a peace that I had rarely had before. I heard something that drew me back to the moment and I realized how late it was and I started the trek down to were Father and I had left the car. I kept looking for him but couldn't see him. Once I reached the parking lot I looked for his car. At that moment I knew what I wasn't to learn anything from the waterfall, it didn't hold my answers. I was to find my answers on my walk home. As SF had left me there. He had gone home to his family. To his haven. I wandered through the rain for hours. A scared child can run for hours. Run from the rain. Run from the cold. Run from the sounds in the shadows. I did make it home just shortly after dark. But the time spent in the dark was terrifying. Every sound was magnified and there seemed to be eyes watching me. But I did start to understand what those soliders had gone through. Still not completely but enough to know that everyone has the potential to be left behind. From that lesson I spent the next week and a half in bed with pnemonia. My dress had been ruined by the branches that had snagged me while I was trying to stumble through the forest and the mud that I had fallen into....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I can hide it from most but there are a few things that absolutly scare the living daylights out of me and some of those thing things came from that day. One is being left behind. Being walked away from. Having someone I love or care for walk way even in jest can send a piercing pain through my heart. A coldness overcomes my body and I panic. My heart races, my body shakes and I freak. But because of the mask I wear not many can see that. They can't see what it is doing to me having someone walk away. And Second is being in a forest at night with a storm raging all around me. One by one is fine I can handle that. Its when they are both together that I can't handle. I start running and I dont stop till I find something I know is safe.

And perhaps I am being a silly child to have those fears but they are fears that are with me everyday. They have the potential to make me a very very insecure little child. But it is from that I fear will be left competely on my own that it stems from. I can only hope that those I have close wont mind that I can get very insecure at times. I do apologize for being as such but they say that the past can shape you into who you are today. And parts of mine have. But perhaps by the love shown by some I can possibly deal with those fears or atleast make them less strong. I can only hope...

Random Introduction to my Mind

2006-11-10T21:42:00Z

Randomness seems to be a state of mind that I understand well. No point just a flow of thought and feelings. Therefore I never know really where my mind is going. Or what I'm really thinking. But I do understand one thing and that is my mind is something that can destroy me. As within my mind there are secrets and stories that were never meant to be read as a bedtime tale. But they are there.

I have only told one person about some of it. But not all. I want too though. I want to be able to talk about it to be able to share. That way I know I'm not alone. But at the same time I dont want to burden her with all of this. Maybe its nothing. Nothing important and something I should just forget about it. And I am trying. Trying to put it past me. Trying to forget. And perhaps in time forgive. Forgive those who have trespassed against me. Forgive myself. Because even though I had no control, no power to stop what had been done, I still blamed myself. I blame myself for a lot of things. Its one of those silly things about myself. I take on the blame that I probably shouldn't but do anyway. Although at the same time its most likely human nature to take on the blame. Or not to take the blame or even to take responsiblity for your actions. Who knows. Who really knows.

I remember things that I should forget or let go as in holding on to them I am hurting myself more and more. For aslong as I can remember my way of dealing with painful things is to lock them in my mind. Lock them away behind the darkness of my own mind. Because in my simple way of dealing with the painful if it isn't at the forefront of your mind it can't hurt you. So you bury it. Under levels upon levels of darkness. Of thought. Dont think about it and it can't hurt you. Or at least that is what I have told myself. I was wrong I know that as it can still hurt you, it can still haunt you. I have nightmares ( yes I know that everyone has nightmares once and a while) but I have had nightmares for all my life. Not just regular nightmares but rather memories. I close my eyes and the past comes back at night it is released from the place I have buried it. And I go through it all over again. I remember the feel, the sounds, the emotions...all of it. But like I said even in burying it you aren't dealing with it just letting it build up until you can't deal with it anymore. And it takes over...

All you feel is the pain and the hurt. You lose the control you have worked so hard to aquire. All is gone and what you are left as is nothing more then feelings. Not conscious of right or wrong. Not able to understand what is going on with yourself. Just reacting to emotions. No thinking something through but doing...doing good or bad. It has no point, no proper choice. I have said before that the loss of control over myself is bad, really bad. And the only way to get that control back is to have someone take over. Someone to tell me that this is what I can do. This is what I cannot do. This is when I eat. This is when I sleep. Rules and regulations. Structure that I cannot deviate from. As in doing this I am not able to think. Cause if I think and do wrong I am disciplined for it. This is what I need. Some may think that I am giving up my rights but in reality I am doing something that saves me. Saves me from my own darkness. Saves me from myself.

I can see myself spinning out of control right now. Losing that grip on reality. On myself. I know that I have a about five to six months before the spinning stops. Before I sink so low into my darkness that I lose all proper thought. As this has happened before. More then once actually. At that point in time I tried to get away from all that hurt me. My father, my grandfather, my life, myself. I have said I have runaway from it before. I have. I ran as fast and as far as I could before making my last attempt to get away from the pain. What I didn't know was that I was followed. That my father had his lackeys tracking me like a animal. Hunting the lost child. I was 13 years old the first time I tried to kill myself. In a cheap motel just outside of Calgary. At that point in time, I was at a all time low. Everyone has a price, even a motel manager, I handed him four hundred dollars cash (allowences saved up can get you anywhere) and he didn't ask any questions. Just handed me the key and off I went. I sat there in that room watching the snow fall for hours. Not making a sound, not crying, nothing. And then I did move, without hesitation I got up and got a glass of water and went to bed with the window open watching the snow fall. And then one by one I opened a bottle of Gravol and pill by pill, one by one, I tried to lessen the pain in my mind. I don't remember much more then the fact that it was cold and I couldn't feel any pain. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again there was a harsh light blinding me. And loud voices that ripped across my mind. I was in the hopsital for two weeks after that. Never alone but still completely isolated. My father arranged for me to come back to my house. No one ever talked to me about it. No one ever asked me what I had done or why I had done it. Nothing but isolation. The pain came rushing back and I couldn't deal with it so I kept up my destructive tendancies. I stopped eatting, I stopped sleeping, I tried to hurt myself in anyway I could. I needed something to drown out my mind. Stop the memories. But nothing I was doing helped. It took two months before Father took over. He took away my freedom (more then normal). And he gave me what I needed. Rules and structure. If I did not do exactly as he said there was punishment. If I didn't eat at the time he specified...for every minute I deviated from the time there would be that same number of spanks. If I didn't go to sleep at the time he said or wake up at the time he said....again by how ever long I deviated would be the exact number of spankings. If I thought for my self or spoke back...depending on what I said would determine how many lashes with the whip I got. I know that it could be classified as abuse but is it worse to have someone else do that or to do it to myself. But in the end it could let me gain some control over myself. Let me find my feet and stand up on my own. It was my choice to do that to let him do that to me. And it did help. Helped until it got too much again. Until everything bubbled over and the spiralling continued once more. I had just turned sixteen and once again I tried to get away for good. Tried to end it all. I again ran away this time I created false trails to hide my own path. I tried to lose myself in the pits of humanity. In some back alley, I dont know what was special about it, perhaps that it reminded me of my own mind, littered with garbage and was filled with the scent of dispair. In that alley I cut my wrists and watched the blood run out onto the ground. I didn't care anymore the pain was too much. But once again I was hunted, I was stopped. And again my Father took control, brought me back from that edge.

I am not proud of what I have done to myself. I dont mean to brag about what I have done. I get want to get it out. Out of my head out of my thoughts. I dont'want to go back there. Back to that mind set but I feel myself slipping down that slope again. I have started cutting again I few weeks ago as of recent I haven't again but its there in the back of my mind trying to come forward. I cut myself to control the pain that was inside me. To get the pain out. The darkness out. To let the evilness that flows through my veins out and let it wash away. Did it help no not really. Was it stupid yes it was. But I did it anyway. I hate myself just as much as I hate those that have hurt me. Which in a way is understandable as in the end all of us have one thing in common and that is to hurt me. Perhaps I will still slip down that slope but someone has offered me a hand to hold on to and that may make a difference. It might still happen but perhaps not as fast. Maybe I'll slip but perhaps I can live like this on the edge of the blade, not fully safe but not fully harmed. Who knows if I try again if I will succeed. They say the third times a charm, I dont want to go there in my mind but one never knows what the future may hold. I sure don't. But I am trying, trying to stop myself from going back to that place where in ending everything seems the only solution.

Again, randomness flows through me, I dont' know when I will update again. I dont' know if I make sense. But what I do know is that I will try to get all of this out of me. I don't know if anyone will read this. But what I do know is that I want to try. I want to try...to be okay, to forget, to forgive, to be happy. To be happy is what I ask for. Maybe its asking too much. Maybe what ever Gods or Goddess' are out there don't care. But it is what I want. Who knows....I sure as hell don't. If someone out there does know wanna let me know, so I'm not completely in the dark about it and about life...

Maybe I'm being stupid for having this. For posting this but if anything I've learned recently is that secrets can kill you. They can kill your spirit, your mind, your body. They can kill all that you have inside. And they can kill your relationships as there will always be apart of you that you keep hidden. In this I will be an open book, again no one may read it but if they were to look they would be able to find out my secrets.

My truths. Here I am. may they take me or leave me I am thus.

A child
A daughter
A sister
A friend
A neice
A victim of rape
A cutter

I am capable of hate
I am capable of love
I am capable of destruction
I am capable of pain
I am capable of tears
I am capable of laughter

I am nothing but an illusion
I am nothing but a mask
I am nothing to some
I am something to another

This is me....to do with as you please....